If you’re facing a divorce involving children, it means that you’ll need to be sensitive to their emotional well-being. If you’re facing a divorce involving teenagers, the path forward can be that much more challenging. Teenagers have sophisticated coping skills, which means they are more likely to internalize emotional pain, and it can come out in unexpected ways.
When it comes to teens and divorce, it’s important to keep your children informed of what’s going on without overburdening them with the specifics – while doing everything you can to maintain the status quo. In other words, it’s a tall order.
One of the most important steps you can take on the path toward divorce is reaching out for the skilled legal guidance of an experienced Killeen divorce attorney early in the process.
The Lay of the Land: Teenagers Crave Independence and Security
Your teens may strike you as being extremely independent, and for the most part, they may be. However, it’s important to note that their veneer of independence is based upon the security they derive from their family life and home. If that foundation is shaken, such as by an impending divorce, it can take a considerable toll on them.
Teenagers are in the process of shaking their childhood identities, but they count on the security net of their home lives being there to catch them when they fall. A divorce disrupts this setup, and your teenagers may take it the hardest of all.
While your teens may strike you as taking their family life for granted, that is simply part of becoming an adult – shedding the security of childhood while barreling forward toward independence. The hitch is that home and family are the bridge that makes this transition possible. Proceeding with caution is advised.
Don’t Wait for the Perfect Time in the Future
It’s only natural to want to put off telling your kids difficult news that you know is going to be hard on them, but doing so when it comes to divorce won’t do them – or you – any favors.
You’re not getting divorced in a vacuum, and teenagers are nothing if not savvy. If you and your spouse have come to the momentous decision that you need a divorce, your teenage children know that something is up, which makes addressing the matter earlier rather than later the right choice.
There Is No Perfect Time
It may help to learn that there is no perfect time to tell your teenagers about your divorce. It’s going to hurt, but by addressing the matter early on, you showcase the fact that you’re not keeping things from them and that they can trust you moving forward, which is a very important part of the process.
Addressing the Matter Head-On
Another important point to keep in mind is that young adults aren’t fooled by the trappings. Planning a big moment that is intended to take the sting out of your divorce won’t impress your teens. They think of themselves as young adults, and they don’t want to be treated like children – though they crave that level of security.
Timing Matters
The bottom line is that, regardless of how difficult it is to tell your teenagers that you’re getting a divorce, you need to do it. While it isn’t going to be perfect, a bit of planning can help. For example, telling your children at bedtime on a school night robs them of the opportunity to process the information before they’re thrown back into the mix. Building some downtime into the process is the right thing to do.
Tell Them Together If at All Possible
If one of you tells your children you’re getting a divorce or if you each tell them separately, there is a subtext that you’re no longer a family, and that definitely isn’t what you’re going for. While you and your spouse will no longer be married, the fact of your family cannot be erased, and it’s important that you demonstrate this to your children.
If Things Have Already Become Heated
If your divorce began at the boiling point and it would be next to impossible for you and your soon-to-be ex to inform your teens together, you’ll need to recalibrate. Ideally, however, a united front is advised. The way you tell your teenagers sets the tone for what’s to come, and gathering as a family can help. However, if that's not possible, don't beat yourself up.
If your divorce is heated, your skilled Killeen divorce attorney can help you navigate communicating with your ex to make important decisions, such as the decision of how to tell your children about your divorce.
Telling Your Children as a Group
Some divorcing couples choose to tell each child separately – finding the right way to address each teen’s temperament and personality. However, this approach can be isolating and can leave one child – often one of the older children – feeling responsible for the others.
While telling your children separately may be easier for you, it’s important to realize that your children find comfort from another. Because the goal is making things easier for your children, finding a way to break the news when they’re together is worth the effort.
Avoiding an “Us against Them” Approach
If you and your divorcing spouse won’t be telling your teens about your impending divorce together, it’s important not to establish sides. Regardless of the level of fault your spouse bears in your divorce, which may be considerable, it is only relevant to the two of you.
Your children, including your teens, need to know that the divorce specifics are adult concerns but that you are both in lockstep agreement regarding your commitment to their ongoing happiness and well-being.
Share the Information that Your Teens Need to Know
Telling your teenagers that you’re getting a divorce and leaving it at that will only stoke their insecurities and fears. Because children lack the independence to direct their own lives, they rely on the status quo by default. When the ins and outs of their daily lives are called into question – the way they can be in a divorce – panic can set in.
If You’re Not Sure of the Specifics
In the course of your divorce, you’ll need to resolve the basic terms involved, including all the following matters:
The division of your marital property
Your child custody arrangements, including your parenting time schedule – or when the kids will be with you and when they’ll be with their other parent
Child support
Alimony – or spousal maintenance
While it's unlikely that you'll have each of these figured out when you tell your teenagers you're getting a divorce, you can let them know that your primary focus is on changing as little in their lives as possible moving forward. In most cases, this means both of you will continue to play a primary role in their lives while remaining in the same community and school system if possible.
Your seasoned Killeen divorce attorney will help you get a better picture for what will be possible during your divorce. He or she will be an indispensable tool as you determine how you can maintain the status quo for your children.
Issues to Address
Your teenagers are concerned about how your divorce is going to affect them, and this fact should guide the information you share. There’s no need to delve into the nitty-gritty of why you need a divorce or who is to blame. When it comes to your children and divorce, consistency is key, and the fewer variables that need to change, the better.
For example, if one of you is taking on the role of primary custodial parent and will remain in the family home with your kids, it can be a real comfort to your teenagers. Splitting their time between two new homes tends to be far more disruptive and anxiety-provoking. If you can assure your teens that your divorce won't affect any of the following matters, it's another plus:
Their ability to obtain a driver’s license or to continue putting their newly acquired license to use
Their ability to keep their part-time job
Their ability to stick with their extracurriculars
Their ability to continue spending time with their friends the way they always have
Their ability to pursue a college education
Your teenagers have routines that support their independence, but they have very little control over primary matters such as where they live, and they’re looking for consistency.
They’re Teens – Drama Is to Be Expected
Teenagers know exactly what divorce means, but they don't know what it's going to mean for them personally, and a dramatic reaction is normal. They are teenagers, after all. Transitioning to adulthood is a difficult task made even more challenging when divorce is a factor. While it's impossible to predict exactly how your teens will react, big reactions are not uncommon.
What Comes Next
After a big initial display, you might notice that your teen becomes more withdrawn or less open with you, which is quite normal. You can help your teens process all the changes that are happening by being there for them, listening to their concerns, and offering every assurance you can.
If you get the sense that one of your children needs more help, counseling can make a big difference. Without making a big deal out of it, let your children know that help is available if they think they need it – or if they want to explore the possibility.
Recognize that Divorce Isn’t as Stigmatizing as It Once Was
While there was a time when divorce brought social stigma, those days are long gone. Your teens undoubtedly have friends or classmates whose parents are divorced, and they very likely don’t think much about it. In other words, the emotional landscape needn’t be bleak.
Your teenagers are going to react, but they’re also resilient and will bounce back. However, pay attention if you notice a concerning change or tendency in any of your children. Some teens take divorce harder than others, and addressing the problem early by getting them the help they need when they need it can make all the difference.
As Your Divorce Proceeds
Sharing the news of your divorce with your children sets the stage for what follows. As you and your spouse hammer out your divorce terms, things can become quite heated, which is best kept between yourselves and your respective divorce attorneys. While you’ve heard it often, it bears repeating that you don’t want to put your children in the middle of your divorce.
Keeping Things Steady
While you and your children’s other parent negotiate divorce terms between yourselves, it’s time to double down on keeping your children’s lives humming along according to schedule. Even if you and your divorcing spouse are no longer living together, you can combine your efforts to help ensure that your teens can continue to do all the following activities:
Attend the same school
Participate in the same extracurriculars – with both of you in attendance
Work the same part-time jobs
Hang out with the same friends
Talking Things Through
While you shouldn’t burden your teens with details about your divorce that they don't need to know, you shouldn't shut them out, either. Your teenagers may have questions or want to talk things through with you, and you need to show up for these conversations. Let your children know that you're always there when they want to talk, and let the circumstances guide your responses.
Share as much information as you think your teen can handle, but keep it on a need-to-know basis. For example, if their other parent is having an affair, but it's unlikely to affect your children's lives, it is probably best policy to keep that information to yourself. However, if their other parent is already living with the person, your children need to know.
Discuss Your Concerns with an Experienced Killeen Divorce Attorney
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard – proudly serving Killeen, Texas – is a compassionate divorce attorney who is prepared to advocate for your financial and parental rights while helping you navigate the challenging path forward with your teens. Learn more by contacting us online or calling us at (254) 781-4222 to schedule your FREE consultation today.