Parenting presents serious challenges for the heartiest among us, and even when parents are happily married, and each is giving their all to parenting, hiccups are bound to arise.
If you are co-parenting with your ex, however, there is an additional layer of complication to deal with, and if your ex has a narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies, you’re facing serious obstacles.
The good news is that there are things you can do to help you navigate the tricky path forward, and if a child custody modification is in order, an experienced Round Rock child custody attorney is standing by to help.
The Narcissistic Personality Divorce
WebMD reports that those who suffer from serious personality disorders, such as narcissism, tend not to be effective co-parents. Narcissists experience a self-image that lacks stability, and as a result, they are often as defensive as they are unbending.
They are also more likely to find unhealthy ways to manage difficult situations, which can add insult to injury. This goes beyond your ex simply being selfish or self-centered, which is challenging enough.
If your former partner is a narcissist, you can expect difficult behaviors like the following:
They have a distinct tendency to ignore the boundaries you set – or to push or test your boundaries the way a child would.
They don’t have adequate empathy for your children and may show them a lack of respect.
They react negatively to criticism and may explode in response to your suggestions.
They make finding middle ground next to impossible.
They have an ironclad sense of self-importance, which interferes with their ability to empathize normally with others.
They may take advantage of other people in their lives and are likely to feel extremely entitled.
They may go to great lengths to gain the admiration of others.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are on challenging terrain, and proceeding with caution is highly advised.
What Not to Do
If you find yourself co-parenting with a narcissist, knowing what not to do can be just as important as knowing what you can do to help defuse the drama.
Accept the Fact that You Can’t Change Your Former Spouse
As difficult as it is to accept, there is nothing you can do to change your ex. If they are interested in making changes in their life, they will seek the help they need, but your recommendations and advice are almost certain to fall on deaf ears.
Rather than pouring your energy into attempting to change your ex, you will need to focus on being the best parent you can be in the face of a difficult situation.
Don’t Engage
Narcissists are motivated to win arguments by any means necessary, and they’re not above starting arguments in order to do so. Narcissists generally turn to practices that are tried and true when it comes to provoking others, which makes training yourself not to take the bait worth the effort.
By keeping your responses short and to the point, keeping your emotions out of the equation, and limiting the amount of information you provide your ex to what’s absolutely necessary, you help break the cycle of never-ending arguments – or at least limit your ex’s ability to wind you up.
Focus on Your Own Parenting
While having two parents who are both committed to effective co-parenting is ideal, it’s not always a possibility, and if your former spouse is a narcissist, you’ll need to let go of this dream.
When it comes to being an effective parent, you’ve got what it takes, and that is what you need to focus on. You can’t make up for the fact that your children’s other parent isn’t the best they can be, but you can provide the support, consistency, care, and love that your children need, which can help take the focus off of what their other parent is lacking.
Don’t Involve Your Children
While you can’t shield your children from everything, they aren’t mature enough to understand their other parent’s mental health concerns, and they shouldn’t be involved.
By taking the high road, you let your kids know that you’re always there for them and that they don’t need to concern themselves with the ways in which their other parent might be dropping the ball. In fact, parents who are narcissists are often quite childlike themselves, which can translate to the fun parent syndrome and means that your children may be none the wiser.
As your children mature, they’ll recognize the outsized role you played in raising them, but now is not the time to focus on this fact. By allowing your children to enjoy their relationships with their other parent without casting doubt on that parent’s motivations or behaviors, you do your kids the favor of letting them be kids while you cope with the more grownup concerns at hand.
It’s important to note here, however, that if you believe your ex poses a threat to your children in terms of any of the following, it’s time to consult with a dedicated child custody attorney who will help you take the steps necessary to protect them:
If your ex is engaging in child neglect or any form of child abuse
If your ex is engaging in parental alienation, which the State of Texas considers a form of emotional child abuse
If your ex isn’t paying court-ordered child support
If your ex isn’t abiding by the court-ordered parenting time schedule
If your children are anxious or upset when they return from their other parent’s home and express a desire to spend less time with them
Narcissists are unpredictable, which means it’s important to look for any warning signs or red flags that may concern you.
What to Do
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s not all about avoiding triggers and keeping your cool – there are also proactive steps you can take to help maintain calm in your and your children’s lives.
Set Clear Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries and sharing them with your ex will play a critical role in your ability to cope effectively with the challenges they create. Just as important as setting clear boundaries is meaning what you say and sticking to your guns.
A true narcissist will do everything they can to cross your boundaries and drag you along with them, and this is where having a solid plan comes into play.
If you simply can’t speak to your ex face-to-face without falling back into old patterns, it’s perfectly understandable. At this point, a good idea is to implement a rule that all communication be conducted electronically, such as via texts, emails, or the messaging system in a parenting app.
This helps to ensure that you both know what to expect, that you both know what’s going on in your children’s lives, and that you both stay up to date with any scheduling changes. At the same time, putting everything in writing also documents your interactions with your ex, which can prove especially beneficial if you need to seek a child custody modification.
Document Everything
Now is a good time to reinforce the idea of documenting everything that happens moving forward. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex, you’ve been through the ringer, and while the antics they get up to may strike you as more of the same, continuing to pay attention is – nonetheless – a good idea.
The fact is that – if you do need a child custody modification down the road, which is not at all uncommon – you’ll be far better prepared to build a strong case if you have dates, times, and descriptions backing you up.
When you compound this with the written correspondence and any voice messages between the two of you, it can make a compelling argument that supports your bid for a child custody modification.
Making it your practice to jot the specifics down whenever your ex pulls a stunt, fails to follow court-ordered terms, or engages in a behavior or action that is not in your children’s best interests can bolster your position with the court.
Don't let toxic co-parenting overwhelm you. Consult with a trusted Round Rock child custody attorney for personalized guidance today.
Focus on the Positive
Keeping your focus on your children’s health and well-being and on how well they’re doing, can help take the sting out of your situation, and taking this positive stance is sure to help you navigate the journey forward.
Yes, co-parenting with a narcissist – if you can call it co-parenting – is hard, but focusing on what’s going right in your children’s lives can give you the boost you need to keep going.
Field Your Children’s Questions Honestly
If your children come to you with questions about their other parent’s behavior, pooh-poohing their concerns will only increase the uncertainty they’re experiencing, which can lead to anxiety. The best course of action is finding an age-appropriate way to address the issue without judging or blaming your ex.
The most important points to make to your children are that the issue lies with their other parent, not with them, and that their other parent’s narcissism doesn’t alter the fact that you both – you and their other parent – love your kids very much and are committed to being there for them.
Avoid Negative Comments
Your children love both you and their other parent, and while your feelings toward your ex may not be especially positive, sharing your negative thoughts with your children can be emotionally scarring.
The old adage that – if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all – is especially apt in your situation. Keeping your comments about your ex as neutral or as kind as you can will help neutralize the situation and is sure to help make things easier on your kids.
Seeking the support you need from a trusted friend, family member, mental health professional, or clergy member is a great outlet for the stress you’re experiencing, and doing so can benefit both you and your children.
Model a Healthy Lifestyle
By paying attention to your own mental and physical health, you provide your children with a healthy lifestyle to model in their futures. Countering your ex’s narcissism with healthy alternatives that include empathy, acceptance, constancy, and warmth can help shield your children from the negative impact of their other parent’s narcissistic behavior.
If your former partner creates a storm in your children’s lives, your goal is to be a port in that storm while showing your kids a healthy path forward.
Your parenting goal is to provide your children with the consistent guidance, support, love, cheerleading, structure, and limits that they need to find peace and to feel secure during challenging times. And your commitment to their well-being will continue to serve them well throughout their childhoods and beyond.
Finding Your Inner Strength
Co-parenting with a narcissist is nothing if not a challenge, but on your journey forward, you may discover inner strength that you didn’t know you had. Your children are naturally your primary concern, and when it comes to protecting them, your unwavering commitment to accomplishing that goal may come as a surprise even to you.
Tapping into this inner strength will help you guide your children safely through the inevitable storms ahead, and working closely with a formidable child custody attorney will help to ensure that your parental rights are well protected throughout the process.
It's Time to Consult with an Experienced Round Rock Child Custody Attorney
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is a dedicated Round Rock child custody attorney who appreciates the struggles associated with narcissistic co-parents and is committed to helping you forge a healthy path forward for yourself and your children.
Our compassionate legal team is on your side and here to help, so please don’t put off contacting or calling us at 254-781-4222 to schedule a free consultation and learn more about what we can do for you today.